Into and Out of the Fog

Years passed. I had a family. I worked in a job in which I learned skills, but couldn't engage my heart. Those years, looking back on them, were so still. I spent time playing minesweeper! Even though I had a beautiful daughter...things were dark. I didn't know my role...and I wasn't happy. There was no objective in life. Those years were very, very empty.

If I think about them too long I feel sadness and wish I could change who I was then. But if I knew then what I know now, I would not be here. And so it goes.

I remember making proposals to my husband so I could go back to school. And when I was told to wait, I waited. I woke up and remembered where I received my spiritual strength and I went back to church. And then things began to change. I didn't know that everything would change.

We moved to the north end. Eventually my husband finished school and I prepared to go back. I had spent 5 years working at the law firm, doing legal assistant work, bookkeeping, etc. But I knew when I went to school I would go into something health related. Very practically, I chose to start nursing prereqs at Seattle Central Community College. Here was my plan:

I would go to school and become a nurse. A nurse would be a good thing to be because when my husband wanted to move around the world, I would be able to work as a nurse no matter where we went. It offered flexibility and job security. It was health related, so it made sense.

Then school started. I accidentally took the wrong chemistry class - the one for pre-meds and chemistry majors, not nurses. But I loved it. And I remembered that in high school I loved chemistry, too. So I thought, "No nursing school for me. I want to be a scientist!"

Trajectory

Do you know how sometimes it seems that people set a course for their life and stick with it? They start with their destination in mind and continually move in that direction. It seems a very productive, safe, and admirable way to live life. But for some reason, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pick a destination. Ah yes, I am reminded of the Cheshire Cat. If you don't care where you end up, it doesn't matter which way you go. But I DO care, quite a lot. I am praying, fasting, and praying some more that I will end up doing something worthwhile.

So I continually ask, "Where am I going?"

I've become interested in tracing my trajectory. What twists have spun me from one path to another? This blog is just an outline of some of my steps, and the ideas started me in the direction of those steps.

In elementary school I was often told I should be a psychiatrist. I still hear that sometimes. And it had a certain appeal - I was good at listening to peoples problems, and they generally liked the advice I gave them. Ultimately, I was and wanted to be a helper and a fixer. A psychiatrist might just do the trick.....

But in high school I got a sinus infection. I didn't want to take anti-biotics, so instead of going to the doctor I went to the Bastyr Clinic for Natural Health. An allopathic doctor would have looked up my nose and given me a prescription. The naturopathic doctor asked me questions about everything from my mood to my digestion to my lifestyle, then gave me a tincture (I don't remember what was in it) and some tea tree oil to inhale from a steamy bowl of hot water, with a towel over my head. When I left I thought, "That is how medicine should be practiced. A real interest should be taken in the patient, and the patient should be treated holistically. I want to be a naturopathic doctor because that type of medicine really helps people become healthier."

And then years passed.